#_author:Max Knoblauch

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

5 relationships I have ruined because they didn't have A/C

It's a sad but true fact of life: We must permanently cast away everyone in our lives who does not have air conditioning, no matter how much we may love them.

Regardless of the bonds that unite us, be they familial or otherwise, nothing is worth spending even one full minute in a room that is higher than 70 degrees Fahrenheit. This is something that we all agree on.

SEE ALSO: 1940s: Classic New England summers at Cape Cod's Provincetown

Of course, it still isn't easy, removing loved ones from your life indefinitely because they choose to live in a moderately warmer environment. Personally, removing these people from my life were some of the hardest things I've ever done.

Nicholas from work

Nicholas seemed really great but unfortunately I will never speak with him again.

Image: Shutterstock / Monkey Business Images

Nicholas and I worked together for more than four years, and we clicked immediately. We both rolled our eyes at the company meetings, we were both self-motivated, and we're both huge Sixers fans — honestly, I don't know if I've ever felt such a genuine camaraderie with another person. Nicholas and I just got each other! A few weeks ago, Nicholas invited me over to his new apartment to watch the NBA draft. As soon as I stepped through the door, I could tell something was wrong. It was warm, not cool. Nicholas didn't have an air conditioner.

"It doesn't get too hot here actually, because this side of the building doesn't get direct sunlight," Nicholas said, like an absolute sociopathic maniac.

"That's okay," I told him, lying. "You can keep the six pack. I will unfortunately never see you again in my entire life."

Nicholas seemed confused as I sprinted down the stairs and back to the climate controlled subway, and even more confused the next day when I entered the office without looking at him and packed up my things, leaving the company without notice after years of stellar performance. Goodbye, Nicholas.

My sister Rachel and brother-in-law Will

It devastates me to have to keep these wonderful people out of my life forever.

Image: Shutterstock / Dean Drobot

Ha, what can I even say about Rachel and Will. Rachel and I grew up together, she's my best friend, and she's there for me more than anyone else. I was her husband Will's best man, and he and I became practically joined at the hip at family functions for the last eight years or so. Suffice it to say, these two are my family.

You'll understand then, why it hurst so much to cast them out of my life forever without a second thought when I learned that they would not be buying a replacement air conditioner this summer, after their old one broke. 

I mean, I cried like a baby deleting both of their info from my phone and computer and then driving to the local precinct to file restraining orders against the two of them. But unfortunately, I just can't have people who choose to not have A/C in their life in mine.

My high school English teacher and lifelong mentor, Mrs. G

I wouldn't be where I am today without this wonderful woman who I have completely cut out of my life due to her lack of AC.

Image: Shutterstock / Jacob Lund

Through my high school years, Mrs. G fostered my passion for writing, introduced me to hundreds of incredible stories and practically held my hand through my college admissions process. After graduation, she became my mentor, helping me start my career. I've often said that if there were a million Mrs. Gs, this would be a perfect world.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. I went to Mrs. G's retirement party (50 years in one school district!) and discovered that she uses window fans instead of air conditioning. While I had thought Mrs. G was an amazingly selfless and principled person who dedicated her life to the lives of others, she is actually an unhinged (possible) psychopath who thinks 75 degrees is a good enough temperature for a living space. It shattered me to write Mrs. G a strongly worded note explaining that we could no longer communicate with one another.

Dee, the hiker who saved my life on the mountain

Thank you for rescuing me, Dee, but I must sadly destroy our relationship beyond repair because you don't have AC.

Image: Shutterstock / Blazej Lyjak

When I tripped and tumbled down the side of a mountain during a solo backpacking trip, I thought I was a goner. For two nights, I lied on my back, staring up at the stars, unable to stand and without cell service. That's when Dee found me. Wonderful, noble Dee, who helped me to my feet and called in a rescue helicopter.

"When I get better, I'll make it up to you," I promised her, as the chopper pulled away.

"Okay, but I don't have air conditioning," she replied.

"Forget it then," I said.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Sorry, casual fans, but Captain Spip of the 'Biowhale Deep Space' series is NOT a woman

SIGH. Here we go again. I feel like everywhere I turn I'm hearing the question we've all heard since the early 2000s: "Should the new Captain Spip be a woman?"

Let me explain: no, he shouldn’t. Case closed!

That's why when I, a red-blooded male, saw a news alert yesterday that Judy Dench will be the voice of Captain Spip in the new season of Biowhale Deep Space, I ripped my shirt off in the grocery store and screamed as loud as I could for 10 straight minutes.

SEE ALSO: I have drawn the Trump administration as Sonic the Hedgehog and I am ready to answer for it

Captain Spip is many things: a cunning negotiator, a brilliant space detective, a CGI whale head on a human body that solves crimes on a low end British cable network. What he is NOT is a GIRL.

I mean, what's next, Spip stops eating squid burgers? He sells the Fydget Hexter and starts flying around the universe in an old renovated Greyhound bus?? He becomes friends with the NovaEels? LOL. Absurd! That's what you sound like though, asking if Spip should be played by a woman! You sound insane! YOU. SOUND. CRAZY.

Didn't think so.

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Sometimes I, a man with hot red blood piping through his veins, like to imagine that I am Captain Spip, hurtling through the Vexxor nebula on my time traveling tandem bike, killing all the Eels in my path. I imagine that I am undercover in the belly of the bastard Kilgor's moon base, sabotaging his Umptilian core and discovering the evidence I need to put him away for all time. And now you ask me to pretend to be/empathize with a girl character who does the exact same bullshit? 

That scares me in a deeply troubling away that I have been dealing with my entire life.

Look, I get it. The Biowhale Deep Space series has been through a lot of upheaval lately — what with the departure of Brack Tillman (Cpt. Spip since 2011), the firing of showrunner Mark Whiteperson, the utter failure of the Biowhale first person shooter video game — but changing an aspect of the show to excite a large amount of the fanbase and grant a new angle to a character who has existed since literally the first year of TV, 1927, is NOT the solution.

If this upcoming season is for real and the new Spip is a female character it will literally destroy me. I'm not speaking hyperbolically. I will turn to vapor and wisp away into nothingness — I will cease to be. PLEASE reconsider this.

That being said I thought the trailer looked okay, otherwise.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

WATCH: If the Doctor had a bad day on 'Doctor Who'

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

FX should really accept our brilliant idea for 'Fargo' Season 4

As the third season of Noah Hawley's midwestern crime anthology Fargo comes to a close, fans are left wondering if the next episode will be its last.

The show's creator, Noah Hawley, recently said that there are currently no plans for a fourth season of the show. This isn't due to poor performance or negative reviews, just a lack of firm ideas.

SEE ALSO: We made a 'Fargo' board game so you too can live a life of midwestern crime

"There may never be another Fargo. Unless Noah has an idea for Fargo that he thinks he can make as good as the prior three," FX Networks CEO John Landgraf recently told The Hollywood Reporter.

We understand that these things take time but honestly, if Hawley is having trouble coming up with ideas, we can help!

FX, please take a look at our pitch for Season 4, and feel free to pass it along to Mr. Hawley.

The year is 1985. The setting? Faribault, Minnesota.

Image: Creative commons, jon platek

1985 seems like a good year for a new season. I Googled "cities in Minnesota" and after some quick research, Faribault stuck out to me because the inventor of the Tilt-A-Whirl is from there and he built the first 14 Tilt-A-Whirls in his basement. Maybe we could get J.K. Simmons to do a long monologue about the Tilt-A-Whirl. Yeah, that'd be cool.

This is Joe, played by Haley Joel Osment

Image: mashable composite; getty images, shutterstock

Joe has a dumb job and he hates himself. He works at a roller rink owned by his girlfriend (Lena Dunham)'s dad, Dalton (Ed Harris). Dalton is mean to him because he crashed his prized Buick. Maybe Joe is related to the Tilt-A-Whirl guy? Oh, yeah, that's good.

But: there's also a crime syndicate! From CANADA

Okay, so there's also a crime syndicate. I think it would be cool if they were from Canada. The Manitoba mafia, or something like that. The leader of the mafia, known simply as "Saw" sends three of his men to Minnesota. These men are: Deuce (a cool actor), a skilled killer who is obsessed with birds, and the Barton Twins (two weird guys), twin brothers who communicate exclusively through passages from the Old Testament.

Wow, I'm not sure how Noah Hawley is struggling so much with this! It's easy!

Meanwhile: there are cops

You don't have a season of Fargo if you don't have small town earnest cops in over their heads with an investigation. Officer Stropkey (Alyson Hannigan) loves pinball and dreams of one day becoming a celebrity chef. Her partner, Officer Newsome (Wood Harris) likes ice fishing and landscape painting.

Now, you might be thinking, "This seems complicated." Ha! Classic Fargo! While it seems like an incredible web of characters and narrative held together by deft, thematic-yet-somehow-believable-and-unpretentious screenwriting, it's actually really simple. Here, I'll break it down on paper:

Does this make sense?

Image: Max knoblauch

See? It seems more complex than it is. It really all makes perfect sense and is very easy to write. Here, maybe things will come together even more once I introduce:

The harebrained scheme

Fargo is defined by its harebrained schemes that snowball into massive, deadly conflicts and oh boy, do I have a doozy of an idea for Season 4. 

Okay, so Joe and Lena Dunham decide that they'll wait until dark and steal all the money from the safe at the roller rink. Did I mention that there's a safe there? There is a safe there, with like $20 million inside it. Meanwhile, on the SAME night, the crime guys are coming to burn the roller rink DOWN. Now, THEY have money invested in Dalton's roller rink and plan to collect the insurance payout. They don't even know about the safe. Pretty crazy, right? Well hold onto your butts, because there's another twist coming: the devil is already at the roller rink.

The devil is in the show

Not the literal devil, of course — just a character who symbolizes him. This is interesting because the three crime guys represent the three heads of Cerberus, the monster hound who guards the underworld (this will make sense and be insanely cool). Now, the devil is a character named Mrs. Olson (Dianne Wiest), a mercenary-for-hire turned serial murderer who is ACTUALLY the cousin of Joe Bulo (Brad Garrett) from Season 2. Mind. Blown.

Following along? Here's a sketch to make a bit of sense of all of this.

Mr. Hawley: you're welcome.

Image: max knoblauch

Okay, so meanwhile, Haley Joel Osment gets the safe, and the bad guys see it happening and think he is a competing crime guy — classic Fargo. The devil character stealthily kills the one dude's bird, which symbolizes Lucifer's fall from grace, and the cops (they live nearby) investigate it all after and they are confused but determined to solve the case. 

So, there we have the end of Act 1. All the pieces are set, and everything now just needs to patiently, expertly connect and pay off for the audience and continue to be super good. While this might sound difficult, it's actually very simple once you visualize how all the characters connect to one another.

Remind you of anything? Exactly. The Tilt-A-Whirl : )

Image: Max knoblauch

Noah Hawley, I've done a third of your job for you for free. Please, reach out if you need help taking it from here, I'm here to help.

WATCH: Step up your taco Tuesday game with this tortilla toaster

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

'Game of Thrones' countdowns have taken over one London Rail station

It's not easy willing yourself to get to work in the morning when you know Season 7 of Game of Thrones is so close.

King's Cross station in London has been helping ease travelers' pain by posting countdowns and quotes to this Sunday's season premiere on information boards across the station.

SEE ALSO: Meeting notes from our office's all-hands Kingsmoot

While some people might say that information about train delays or track changes might be a better use for the station's information boards, others would argue that those people are wrong and bad and shut up already, let us have this.

Thank you, King's Cross, for easing the pain of doing anything but staring at HBO Go, waiting for the new episode to drop.

Game of Thrones quote of the day at Kings Cross underground pic.twitter.com/r6IMTDpGvK

— Geoff Dodds (@gdodds) July 13, 2017

Haha, found this at King's Cross station yesterday. #kingscross #GameOfThrones pic.twitter.com/w8baIWLAeY

— Jack Dowd (@stforce1) July 13, 2017

A post shared by Celine Ansari-Parr (@celine_ivf2017) on Jul 14, 2017 at 12:48am PDT

A post shared by Anna Fiori 🍝 (@fiordianna) on Jul 12, 2017 at 5:37am PDT

Someone at Kings Cross is a bit excited... pic.twitter.com/bGqr9HOvdp

— Alice Ross (@aliceross_) July 14, 2017

Kings Cross Station #GameofThrones pic.twitter.com/0IREKcwXG7

— Vivek (@Vivekserou) July 14, 2017

Kings Cross GOT quote of the day #londonunderground pic.twitter.com/26mcWLPjPd

— H A Y L E Y (@itshkg) July 13, 2017

@TfL at Kings cross station#got #tfllife #lifeofaccsa pic.twitter.com/FyDmOC9LCI

— Life Via Ai (@LifeViaAi) July 12, 2017

WATCH: This robot that can do 'the worm' could one day perform colonoscopies

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Winter is here for 'Game of Thrones,' and by winter we mean this flavored beer

The Starks have been predicting the arrival of winter for years, but now that there's a flavored beer about it we're starting to think they might be on to something.

The partnership between HBO and Brewery Ommegang has resulted in an upcoming Belgian-style double white ale ominously dubbed: "Winter is Here."

SEE ALSO: Meeting notes from our office's all-hands Kingsmoot

"In this next season, we celebrate the long-awaited arrival of winter with a beer fit for consumption north of The Wall," Ommegang President Doug Campbell said in a press release. "Winter is Here is a fortifying and delicious double white, brewed with sea salt and white pepper, sure to keep you warm in winter, no matter how long it lasts."

Image: mashable composite; ommegang

Once released this fall, the 750ml bottles will retail for $11.99, and can be happily double fisted with Ommegang's "Fire and Blood" red ale.

While the drinks won't literally keep you warm, at 8.3% ABV they'll probably keep you and your viewing party numb to any depressing deaths that happen in Season 7.

We're in the home stretch of being depressed by this show about hot characters dying from sword wounds, people. It'll all be over soon.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Even more ways James Comey hid from Trump before his firing

As former FBI Director James Comey testifies in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee today, it's hard not to think about the various ways in which the former leader of the FBI reportedly avoided President Trump.

In May, the New York Times reported that Comey had attempted to "blend in with the blue curtains in the back of the room" to avoid Trump's attention during a meeting on Jan. 22. More recently, it was reported that Comey told Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he did not want to be "left alone again with the president."

SEE ALSO: 8 executive orders Trump would sign if an aide forwarded him chain letters from my grandmother

It's certainly odd for the FBI Director to be so intent on avoiding the sitting POTUS, and it makes us wonder the other ways in which Comey avoided Trump.

Assessing their relationship and the fact that it seems truly anything could be possible in the Trump White House, we have come up with seven relatively plausible ways the former FBI Director avoided President Trump.

1. Used his "Craig Trump" disguise and pretended to be the President's Uncle Craig

Image: mashable composite. getty images

2. Lampshade over the head

Image: MASHABLE COMPOSITE. GETTY IMAGES; shutterstock

3. Got naked and painted his body to match the walls

Image: MASHABLE COMPOSITE. GETTY IMAGES; shutterstock

4. Buried himself on the White House Lawn

Image: MASHABLE COMPOSITE. GETTY IMAGES

5. Hid in the fireplace

Image: MASHABLE COMPOSITE. GETTY IMAGES

6. Wore a piece of tape with "poor person" written on it so Trump would not notice him

Image: MASHABLE COMPOSITE. GETTY IMAGES

7. Used an old school, classic FBI disguise

Image: mashable composite. Getty Images

WATCH: Engineers genetically modified a dragonfly to carry a tiny solar-powered backpack

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

A step-by-step guide to utterly botching a simple handshake photo op, by Donald Trump and Angela Merkel

President Donald Trump and German Chancellor Angela Merkel are two of the most powerful human beings on the planet.

Their influence alone has the potential to topple economies, start and end wars — to alter the very course of our species' existence. Anyway, the two figures met in Hamburg ahead of the G20 summit on July 6 and engaged in one of the worst handshake photo ops I've ever seen.

SEE ALSO: 8 executive orders Trump would sign if an aide forwarded him chain letters from my grandmother

A handshake photo op works like this: You enter a room and stand in front of a backdrop or whatever.

Image: Getty Images

You stand normally for a second — not like this.

Image: Getty Images

No.

Image: AFP/Getty Images

You look at each other and clasp hands. This is okay I suppose.

Image: AFP/Getty Images

And then you just ... look generally toward the cameras. No, this is not correct.

Image: Getty Images

You just have to ... no, not this ... you just look in the same direction.

Image: Getty Images

Hm. No, not quite. Maybe just do neutral expressions, maybe that's easier?

Image: Getty Images

Forget it! Who cares. This is good enough, whatever.

Image: AFP/Getty Images

Good lord.

WATCH: Doctor Octopus-esque robotic arm attachments will lend you an extra hand or two

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Internet tax is real and I have been paying it for years, by Jeff Bezos

Hello, this is the CEO of Amazon/owner of The Washington Post Jeff Bezos. At around 9:00 a.m. on June 28, President Trump tweeted the following:

The #AmazonWashingtonPost, sometimes referred to as the guardian of Amazon not paying internet taxes (which they should) is FAKE NEWS!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 28, 2017

Aside from the obvious inaccuracies in the president's tweet — Amazon doesn't own The Washington Post (I do), the Post isn't "the guardian of Amazon," and it isn't fake news — there's one massive, glaring issue that I take with the message. 

Contrary to what Mr. Trump says, I do pay internet tax, and I have done so for several years.

SEE ALSO: I have drawn the Trump administration as Sonic the Hedgehog and I am ready to answer for it

For as long as I can remember, I have been paying my annual internet tax in the form of a personal check written out to the IRS. Each calendar year, I pull out my checkbook, write out a check for however many millions of dollars in internet tax I owe, put "tax for internet" in the memo and ship it first class in an envelope that says "government" on the front.

Read it and weep, idiot.

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

That's right, Mr. Trump. The joke is on you, because I have been sending internet tax to the federal government for YEARS. I do my part to help this country. Can you say the same?

You may be thinking, "Jeff, what is internet tax and how do you calculate how much you owe?" A good question, with a simple answer.

Internet tax is a tax for the internet — a contribution people make to continue using the world wide web. I learned about it on a weight lifting forum in 1999, back before anyone realized you could lie online. 

Internet tax is calculated pretty easily: each time you click the button on the mouse, you owe one dollar. Being a pretty prolific internet user, I pay an assistant $150,000 a year to live with me and count my clicks, and then I write out a check to the tax man. As you can see above, this year I clicked the mouse 28 million times. Yikes!

Put it here like this so they'll see.

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Make no mistake: Internet tax is not the same thing as your internet bill. One is a bill, the other is a tax. They are different things. That being said, I would like to make it abundantly clear that if you have not been paying internet tax for as long as you have had the internet, you are breaking the law and will be arrested.

Of course, if internet tax were as simple as I've made it out to be, we wouldn't all groan every time tax season rolls around, ha ha. Another more complicated part of the internet tax is that each year, about three weeks after sending the IRS your check, you will receive a call from the government informing you that they cannot accept your payment. They will tell you that you, "Do not owe this money," and there "Is not a tax on using the internet, it doesn't even make sense," and to "Please stop wasting government time by sending these enormous sums of money to our office." Whenever that happens, I simply continue sending checks to the IRS until they cash them.

Merely another element in the cat and mouse game of internet tax.

You know, sometimes, when I'm walking around in the big Amazon warehouse where I live with my whole extended family, I start to wonder if it's all worth it. Spending so much of my money, each and every year, on internet tax — is the internet worth the trouble?

Then, I open my computer and log onto Twitter dot com, and see another insanely bad tweet from the 45th President of the United States. And I think to myself: yes. It's all worth it.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

5 awesome new Lyft features that will make you say, 'Isn't that an existing means of transportation?'

Here at Lyft, we care about two things: honesty and innovation. Also, admitting when we've made a mistake. Also driving or whatever.

Now, if Lyft's new service, dubbed "Lyft Shuttle" seems familiar, that's because it is a bus. Who knew?

SEE ALSO: We, your child's school, regret banning fidget spinners after seeing what toy came next

Making preset stops along a preset route in a shared vehicle has existed for several years, apparently. So, as it turns out, we here at Lyft invented the bus and called it Lyft Shuttle. And you know what? That's okay. Everyone makes mistakes, including us. And we are copping to it.

Now, as we deal with the next steps in the life of Lyft Shuttle, we'd like to introduce an exciting new Lyft feature: Lyft Rail.

Lyft Rail

All on board!

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Customers have repeatedly made clear that while they rely on Lyft for short distances, they'd love it if there were a service for faster travel over long distances. Lyft Rail is exactly that. Using machines that run on steam over what we're calling "Long Metal Roads," Lyft Rail is able to travel extremely long distances in a fraction of the time of a typical Lyft car.

You may be thinking, "Is this trains? Has Lyft invented trains?" The answer to your question is simple: No, of course not. This is Lyft Rail, idiot.

To use, simply open your Lyft app and select your destination off of a list of pre-defined "Lyft Rail Stations" peppered across the contiguous United States. Travel to one of these stations using a Lyft car, and purchase a "Lyft Ticket." from one of our "Lyftductors."

The more I've described this, the more I'm realizing that Lyft Rail is "trains." I apologize, and I should not have called you an idiot. Lyft Rail is cancelled. But we are SO excited to instead debut:

Lyft Water

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Lyft Water is a service for customers looking to travel beyond the road. We're speaking, of course, about traveling over the water. Whether it's simply the fastest route, or you prefer a more scenic trip, Lyft Water is an incredible experience for Lyft users. To use, simply open your Lyft app and find your nearest Lyft Port. Purchase a "ticket" for a "Prescheduled Lyft Water Ride" and wait for your driver to arrive at the port.

Before you ask: no, this is not a "ferry" or a "cruise ship." We want to get ahead of that line of thinking. Lyft Water is nothing like a cruise or a ferry. We don't know WHY everyone keeps SAYING THAT but it is VERY FRUSTRATING.

..Damnit it's a ferry, isn't it. Son of a — forget it. Okay. Okay, it's fine, everything is fine. How about:

Lyft Mountain Trolleys

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Finally, a Lyft service for the hard-to-navigate terrain of mountains! Gone are the days of trekking all the way up a mountain just to ski back down it — now all you need is the Lyft app and a credit card! Lyft Mountain Trolleys are motorized baskets attached to a wire, that transport users up a mountain while also providing a scenic view of the majestic landscape below!

Update: Lyft Mountain Trolleys are ski lifts and they already exist for free with the purchase of a ski resort pass. We apologize for the mistake. That being said, we are thrilled to introduce:

Lyft Foot Things

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Have you ever experienced this: your destination is too close for a Lyft car, but too far to walk on the ground without protection on your feet from the hard, rocky surface of most roads? Ha, us too! That's why we're introducing "Lyft Foot Things": leather/canvas feet coverings with rubber on the bottom for WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING THIS IS SHOES. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH US, GOOD LORD.

Lyft Beasts

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Okay, here's something. We discovered these animals (we're calling them Lyft Beasts) and decided to train them to deliver messages from place to place. Now, it's not for traveling per say, but they could be used to transport messages. 

To use, simply... this is a carrier pigeon, isn't it? I'm just a copywriter, I don't get to see the promotional material before I write my thing. Is this just carrier pigeons? THEY ARE ALREADY A THING. Is everyone at this company insane? What are we DOING?? 

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

WATCH: This camping poncho has you covered

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Oh cool, cats are into fidget spinners now too

Time to ban fidget spinners from the cats, too, I guess.

A video of a cat being absolutely mesmerized by a fidget spinner was uploaded to Reddit by user hopefulpenguin, and if this doesn't finally prove that the toys are here to stay I don't know what will. As we all know, cats do not participate in trends, so you can expect to see fidget spinners for the next 5 to 10 years.

Good or bad, the reality of this world is that if you are not in on the fidget spinner craze, you are truly one of the last living creatures to holdout.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

The Babadook is showing up at Pride festivals across the country and it is wonderful

In case you haven't heard, the Babadook is an unofficial gay icon.

The Tumblr meme-turned-full-scale- movement has officially made its way into the mainstream, with Babadooks popping up in Pride parades across the country.

SEE ALSO: And the official meme of LGBTQ pride is ... the Babadook?

Babadook is the baddy from a 2014 eponymous movie, but, also, so much more. Its visage has been popping up in the dozens in cities across the country, as photos are being posted online and we are all about it. Baba dook dook dook your way to your nearest Pride march today.

A post shared by Matthew Jara (@mattiejara) on Jun 11, 2017 at 6:58am PDT

A post shared by Al Hoff (@alhoff2000) on Jun 11, 2017 at 5:42am PDT

A post shared by Russell T. (@russkt) on Jun 11, 2017 at 10:22am PDT

This Babalewk transitions from day to night fairly well IMHO pic.twitter.com/7D9my72lOt

— Kyle Buchanan (@kylebuchanan) June 11, 2017

Yes, the Babadook has made an appearance at the D.C. Equality March for Unity and #Pride pic.twitter.com/5tN7FzXVEn

— NBC Out (@NBCOUT) June 11, 2017

A post shared by Scott Davis (@dcphotoartist) on Jun 10, 2017 at 4:36pm PDT

A post shared by Michael Bellavia (@mrbellavia) on Jun 11, 2017 at 10:53am PDT

A post shared by Vita Santa Mamita (@vagoutwithvita) on Jun 10, 2017 at 12:57pm PDT

A post shared by Coco Cain (@misscococain) on Jun 10, 2017 at 8:10pm PDT

My friend Austin Tatious doing Babadook pride in Portland, Oregon. 😂 pic.twitter.com/Nu6x7bW41K

— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 11, 2017

The Babadook was at the Pride Festival yesterday and I've never felt more alive 🌈🌈🌈🌈 pic.twitter.com/QsWQwviGxh

— Savannah Stewart 👽 (@Sav96Chandler) June 11, 2017

A post shared by James Brown (@james.my.aims) on Jun 11, 2017 at 12:08pm PDT

Happy Pride, Babadook (and everyone else).

WATCH: This waterproof bag can fit everything you need and can shrink to fit in your pocket

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Jimmy Carter shook everyone's hands on a flight to Atlanta because that's his thing

Former President Jimmy Carter was spotted on a flight from Washington to Atlanta on June 8.

A video of Carter wearing a bolo tie and shaking every single passenger's hand was uploaded to Twitter by user James Parker Sheffield.

SEE ALSO: American presidents and their weird relationships with UFO conspiracy theories

This is a regular occurrence for for Carter, who recently did the same thing on a commercial flight to Washington for Donald Trump's inauguration in January.

Jimmy Carter is on his way to DC for inauguration. A tipster just sent a pic of his flight from ATL. Says he shook hands w/ everyone. #gapol pic.twitter.com/sweVu4Upgy

— Greg Bluestein (@bluestein) January 19, 2017

Carter's plane handshakes have become something of a rite of passage for frequent flyers — you haven't TRULY flown until you've flown with the 39th POTUS and received a handshake.

What other #POTUS would come by and shake hands with everyone on his flight? pic.twitter.com/0TViw1fNXZ

— hari sreenivasan (@hari) January 13, 2015

People from all walks of life have experienced one of Carter's plane handshakes, including comedian Hannibal Burress, who told Conan O'Brien in 2014 that Carter should have hand sanitizer.

We look forward to meeting you in coach one day, Mr. President.

WATCH: These futuristic contact lenses could record video in a blink of an eye

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Man comes across massive injured great white in shallow waters

When coming upon a 14-foot great white shark in shallow waters, the universal response is to turn to a friend and say, as calmly as possible, "That's a f*cking white shark, dude. Holy shit."

Dale Pearson and a friend saw a figure struggling in the shallow waters near their homes in Baja California, Mexico. Thinking it would be a whale or a hammerhead shark, the two men trudged out to help the animal. That's when they realized that it wasn't a whale, but a large great white that had been injured by a boat propellor.

The two men got within a few yards of the shark as it bled, working to free itself from the shallows.

According to a Facebook post by the Marine Conservation Science Institute, the shark's injuries are likely not life threatening. 

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

I have drawn the Trump administration as Sonic the Hedgehog and I am ready to answer for it

The primary duty of a journalist is to speak truth to power — to lift "the veil" and expose the true nature of the people who control different aspects of our everyday lives.

As America struggles with massive political change in 2017, that role is especially important. And that is why I have chosen to draw the Trump administration as Sonic the Hedgehog.

SEE ALSO: 5 pages from 'The Art of the Deal' that explain exactly what Trump's doing

Is this "risky" satire? Certainly. Am I putting my own career in jeopardy by exposing the current administration in this way? Absolutely. In using my very specific set of skills (ruthless intelligence and the ability to draw Sonic in dozens of positions) to mock those in power, am I gambling on my own future? You bet.

I am 100% willing and ready to accept the consequences of my actions.

1. Sean Spicer

Image: max knoblauch

Arrest me, fire me, roast me online: I am ready for all of it. 

2. Steve Bannon

Image: MAX KNOBLAUCH

Be offended all you want. I have taken off your blinders and revealed the emperor to have no clothes — my job is done.

3. Kellyanne Conway

Image: MAX KNOBLAUCH

Don't like it? You don't have to. It is art and it is true, that's all that matters.

4. Jared Kushner

Image: MAX KNOBLAUCH

I am fully prepared to go to prison for this image I have created of Jared Kushner as Sonic the Hedgehog.

5. Rudy Giuliani

Image: MAX KNOBLAUCH

Forget my name, remember it forever as a symbol of authentic bravery: it makes no difference to me. In drawing Trump advisor Rudolph Giuliani as the video game character Sonic, I have done all I need to do in this life.

6. President Donald Trump

Image: MAX KNOBLAUCH

Come after me.

UPDATE: We apologize for any offense this piece has caused. Max Knoblauch has been fired and arrested.

WATCH: Neil deGrasse Tyson reveals another moral dilemma

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

In the gig economy, I'm a doer. And you can be one too

I know you. You're like me. You're a doer. You don't sit in an office all day, punching the clock. You punch your own clock. You live by your own rules, at your own pace. This is a freelancers world — you're just crushing in it.

You don't have a career, you have a lifestyle. YOU are the gig economy. You stopped counting coffees after your fourth cup. Sleep? Sleeping is for people who don't do. You do do, because you're a doer.

SEE ALSO: We, your child's school, regret banning fidget spinners after seeing what toy came next

You eat ambition for lunch, and you wash it down with initiative. It's 11 a.m. and you've been up for 15 hours already. Your availability is ALWAYS. You follow through on your follow through's follow through. You can't remember the last time you laid down. Yes you can. 2014. Yeah, you might be a doer.

Image: twitter, @b_cavello

You're a plumber in the morning, carpenter in the afternoon, driver at night. You eat, dream, and breathe caffeine. You shit blood. You don't have time to get it checked. None of your employers offer health insurance. So what — you'll find an app and start being a doctor. Hell yeah. It's good. You're a doer.

Your grandparents told you about going down to the dock looking for odd jobs before sunrise in the '30s. They worked for 18 hours a day to afford a house with two rooms for six kids. Eked by — their employers didn't care about them. "Sounds dope," you thought. "Only bad thing is that apps didn't exist." Yup, you're a doer alright.

Image: Twitter, @stphnlanglois

You don't envy things like "employer-sponsored coverage" or "vacation time." Your vacation is work, and you're making great memories. Loyalty? More like royal me — you are your own monarch and your decree is "get grinding." You are King Doer, Lord of Self-Sufficiency.

Your company is replacing you with a robot? Big deal. You do a shot of leaded gasoline for dinner. You don't even wince. Your philosophy is powering through. You bare your teeth and snarl at the idea of steady income. You have 73 jobs and it is freeing as hell, you doer, you.

Your shift ends when your passion does and your passion is endless. Your side gig has a side gig and it's called basic human survival. You are a microtasker and a macro-hustler. Income inequality? Hardly. You just made $50 changing a shower head four states over. You have a degree in chemical engineering. Oh God. No, shut up, stop. Those thoughts are bad. Whenever they pop up, get your side hustle on. 

You're a doer: it rules.

You're an addict, and your drug of choice is productivity. Also caffeine and nicotine and some other stuff. But mostly productivity. Second jobs are liberating. Third jobs are true freedom. You have been raptured by part-time labor.

In fact, why are you still reading this? Get out of here. There's doing to be done.

WATCH: How to make your own fidget spinner

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

We, your child's school, regret banning fidget spinners after seeing what toy came next

Dear parents,

As you all know, fidget spinners are the extremely popular new toy built to ease anxiety in children and increase their focus. You also know that approximately one month ago we made the decision, along with several schools across the United States, to ban fidget spinners from the classroom and school grounds for being "too distracting."

We now deeply regret that decision.

SEE ALSO: We made a 'Fargo' board game so you too can live a life of midwestern crime

The day following the ban of fidget spinners, the children all brought in something called fidget cubes. And, like the spinners, the children quickly developed a robust trading economy with the cubes, which were (again, like the spinners) primarily used as weapons to throw at one another as hard as they could.

We are sure that you are all well aware that after three days, we sent a letter home banning fidget cubes.

We are so deeply, deeply sorry for doing this.

It is now clear that the fidget cubes ban only made way for "fidget scissors" — a scissor toy with various gadgets and wheels on it that the children loved to throw high, high up into the air during recess. Sensing danger, we sent a letter home that day, banning fidget scissors from school grounds.

Oh my, how we wish we could take back that letter.

You see, we assumed that a ban on fidget scissors would mark the end of this trend. Honestly, for a short time, it seemed like we were correct. That is, until a week later when Aiden Burke introduced the class to his "fidget ball" invention during show and tell.

At first, we were proud of Aiden's entrepreneurial spirit and the support shown by his classmates. We allowed Aiden to sell his toys for $1 during lunch, noting their soft exterior and general harmlessness.

When we found out that Aiden had made over $15,000 in two days, we began to realize the gravity of our mistake. It seems that after his first $200, Aiden paid a school security guard to take his invention to other schools and daycares in the area. Similar bans on fidget toys at those locations created what we now call a "fidget vortex" of demand for Aiden's toy, and he became extremely wealthy overnight.

As many of you know (thank you for your calls and emails), the children now refer to Aiden as "Don Aiden" and he is something of a crime boss amongst the third and fourth graders. All attempts to "ban" Aiden's now 40 varying fidget products have failed, as he seems to have the school security and many of the teachers on his payroll.

Don Aiden.

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Aiden now runs this school with an iron fist. Whatever he wants, he gets. For the last two weeks, we have had over 75 hours of recess. I am writing this memo in secret, hiding under my desk, using a candle as my only light and sending it to you with the last stamps I have.

This letter is a request — a desperate, begging request — to have your children PLEASE bring their fidget spinners back to school. It is the only way to stop Aiden, and the only way to regain control of East Lehigh Elementary.

We beg you: help us...

Sincerely,

Superintendent Knoblauch

WATCH: Channel all your energy into the fidget cube